In our society the default answer to nearly every question is “Yes.” Advertising is all geared towards getting us to say “Yes – I need that.” We phrase our inquiries looking for yes: “Would you like more coffee?” “Would you be interested in joining me for dinner?” “Would you help me move next week?” “Would you mind if I asked you a personal question?” “Do you love me?” With such a powerful default answer ingrained in us it can be very difficult to say anything else – often leaving us feeling trapped, guilty, or frustrated as a result.

With such an expected and requested default answer “No” becomes one of the most powerful words we can use – if we can manage it! With all the pressure though, overcoming this momentum for “Yes” can be incredibly difficult sometimes.

While it is still very important to make sure we are clear what we want to say yes to it is equally important, if not more so, to be clear when to say no. Specifically the issue here is to be clear about what is important to us. Yes and no are equally viable and relevant answers in the appropriate circumstances – but may yield drastically different results.

Saying yes when we really mean no can lead to resentment, frustration, confusion, and dissatisfaction or even worse. So if understanding and applying the right answer is so important – how do we figure it out?

The most important step in figuring out which answer is right is to start off by understanding what is important to us. This can quite simply be done with a simple reflection process. Take a moment to slow down and sink into your body. Allow yourself to notice sensations in your body without seeking to change them. Relax and connect with your inner voice of knowledge. Now ask yourself a few simple questions about issues in your life. Notice how your body reacts. Is it energized? Does your body feel drained or depleted? One of those reactions will occur with Yes and the other with No in response to the question. Typically the response that energizes us the most is the answer that is most relevant and thus most important to us. All you need to do is notice the response and thus the answer.

So now that we have our Yes/No list of life – how do we apply it? That seems easier said than done sometimes. The reality is it all boils down to the simple issue of honesty. Are you ready, willing and able to be honest first with yourself and then with others? This can be the hardest step as well as the most liberating.

Try out the “no” answer on something small at first. Maybe something as simple as “Would you like more coffee?” or some such similar question. Notice the contentment and satisfaction you feel in giving the honest answer or even just using the word! See where we can begin to apply that answer in ways that feel comfortable and empowering. Notice how your body reacts and feels more alive. Experiment with new questions and new opportunities.

Once you get comfortable with these easier answer comes the hard part – how do you say no to something we already said yes to? While perhaps a bit more uncomfortable it is still the same technique of honesty. When speaking with honesty it is also important to speak with patience, compassion and understanding. Remember that what we are essentially doing is changing the message we have previously communicated. Do not allow guilt or shame to color the communication though. Speak clearly about your decision and the realization to change the answer.

With openness and honesty we can all speak clearly from our hearts about what is truly yes and truly no. Over time it gets easier and we have to correct ourselves less and less.

In the meantime do you know what the most powerful word in our vocabulary is?

“No”?

There is all the hype these days about the Law of Attraction and the process of manifesting your desires into your life. Basically the key to this law is that you will manifest whatever you desire. There are several contingencies that come into play when you want to manifest your desire. First you must be very clear about what you want. Your desire should be written out, for in writing it you will be able to be more specific and as you write you will get more clarity. If for instance you desire a lot of money or a certain car, you much be clear on how much money or what type of car, color and include as many details as possible. It’s like a target, you need to know what you are aiming your attention towards. You must also make sure that you know the feeling of what your desire will bring you. It is in the feeling, the emotional feeling that will assist you to work with the universe to attract or manifest what you want. This is also important because if you do not know how you will feel when you receive the car or the relationship you may get what your desire but still be unhappy. The feeling is very important for it is that energy that attracts your desire through the universe.

The other element that plays a major role in attracting your desire is your belief. We have beliefs based upon experiences in our lives. We experience an event, we perceive what happens and then we come up with an explanation of what the event means. Two people can witness the same event and had two totally different experiences of what happened based on their perception. Usually the event carries along with it an emotional feeling. This emotional feeling sets the belief within our being at a cellular level.

We have so many beliefs, some that serve us and other that do not. The thing about beliefs is that many are unconscious habits of doing and thinking which operate on a sub-conscious level. If your beliefs, either conscious or unconscious, do not align with your desires, chances are that you will not attract what you desire or you will have to work much harder at getting what you desire.

The final step in manifesting your desire is to let go. Yes, let go of the emotional connect to what you desire and let the universe deliver it to you. This is a tricky part. Because it has been said “ask and it is given” you expect this to happen right away. If you don’t see what you have asked for right away you may doubt that it will work. Many times our desires show up when we get busy working on other things in our lives and take our minds off that desire for a short period of time. When we do this our desires magically shows up in our lives.

As stated in Quantum Physics, as you observe something that which you observe will react to your observation. So if you are watching and holding onto what you desire too strongly it may prevent that from manifesting into your life.

So in conclusion the Law of Attraction goes like this. First you ask for that which you desire and get clear. Second the universe will do its magic to deliver it to you and thirdly you must let go and allow yourself to receive it. The Law of Attraction or the manifestation process is a law that works all the time whether for the good or bad, so watch your thoughts and feeling and make sure you let go and receive.

Conversations can be revealing, can’t they?

The words we use, the way we use our bodies to show our passion and enthusiasm or the uncomfortable wriggling and writhing as we wrestle with what we yearn for – are all cues to our progress and how we feel we’re doing on our chosen path.

In the twenty years (combined) that Jo and I have coached for we seen people striving for tangible goals. For example, someone may say they want to make more money or become the kind of person that can hold down a relationship.

One of the revealing things I hear when people speak to me about their desires is that they often speak with ‘ownership.’ Sometimes they are quite literally saying ‘I want success to be mine’.

But is this really what they want?

In my view, people don’t want to own a successful relationship. They want success in relating to another human being.

I’ve also observed that people don’t really want to make more money for monies sake, they want to make money from work which has meaning and purpose and that they find worthwhile and fulfilling.

In my observations people don’t want ownership of money, relationships, spirituality, health or anything else. What they – and all of us – want is the feelings of abundance, love, connection and well-being.

When he talks about success in the Endorphin Effect, Dr. William Bloom puts it superbly when he says, ‘It needs to be inside the skin, not outside.

If you want to test this try today’s exercise, below.

Last week, author of the Power of Now, Echart Tolle’s wife, Kim Eng, was in Bristol. She spoke to an audience of around a hundred people. She said that desire is the beginning of suffering – the yearning for wanting something we see as being outside our self.

She went on to say how we are already whole and that when we desire something beyond our self we are subtracting from our self.

I think when you combine Kim’s words with today’s exercise you can really sense how we already have what we most desire inside us already.

Inside us is a factory for well-being, love, health, connection etc. The only real problem we may have is remembering this.

Today’s Exercise

1. Visualise something that you want. See, feel it, smell it.

2. Really get inside the feelings of having what you want. Fall in love with it.

3. Now, if you had a choose, would you want the thing you visualised, but without the feeling, or the feeling without the object.

You’ll find more on this in the Endorphin Effect by William Bloom.

With Love and good wishes
Neil

In the 37 years that I have been counseling individuals, I have worked with many people who have suffered from severe physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse in childhood. Many who have sought my help were suffering from fear and anxiety, depression, various addictions, relationship problems and sexual problems. Many of these people had no memory of their childhood and had no idea why there were so unhappy. Many had spent years in therapy yet had never remembered their abuse.

The reason they could not remember the traumatic events of their childhood is because the child or children within, who suffered the abuse, did not feel safe in revealing the abuse. These unconscious inner parts were protecting the person from reliving the horrible pain of the past. These inner children knew that the adult self did not have the strength to learn about and manage the information and the feelings.

In order to remember and heal traumatic events from the past that are affecting you today, you need to have a strong and loving Adult self who is capable of managing emotional pain. Without this loving inner Adult, you may get so flooded and overwhelmed with the feelings of traumatic memories that you cannot function.

The gentle, transformational Inner Bonding process that we teach is a process for developing this strong, loving Adult self. The loving Adult is the aspect of us that is connected with a powerful and loving Source of spiritual guidance whatever this is for you. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process develops your ability to connect with your personal Source of spiritual guidance. It is your connection with your guidance that gives you the strength to manage the intensely painful feelings of childhood abuse.

Once the inner children who hold the memories feel safe that there is a loving Adult self who is capable of managing the feelings, you will start to remember your past. As these memories come up, you will begin to understand the conclusions you drew about yourself that are currently causing your pain. Almost all children who have been abused draw erroneous conclusions about themselves as a result of the abuse false beliefs such as, “I’m not important.” “I have no worth.” “I am just an object for others’ use.” “I am not lovable.” “I should never have been born.” “I would be better off dead.” “I don’t deserve love.” “I am a bad person.” It is these beliefs that are causing your present pain.

Healing from childhood abuse is not just about remembering the past. It is about remembering the very good reasons you had for drawing the conclusions that are currently causing you such pain. It is about gently and lovingly acknowledging what happened that led to your present beliefs that are now limiting you. It is about learning how to access the truth from your spiritual source so that you can move out of lies that you are telling yourself that are causing your current pain.

Most of us learn to treat ourselves based on how we were treated and how our parents or caregivers treated themselves. When your parents abused you, they were also not taking loving care of themselves and were not role modeling loving self-care. As long as you treat yourself the way your parents or other caregivers treated you and themselves, you will suffer. Healing from childhood abuse is about developing your loving Adult self so that you can learn to treat your inner child or inner children the way you always wanted to be treated.

You CAN fully heal from childhood abuse, but only through learning to access and bring into your being the love, truth, wisdom and strength of your spiritual guidance. Through learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process, you will discover the incredibly beautiful and perfect essence within you the part of you that was never damaged by the abuse. This is your true Self that will emerge as you heal the false beliefs of your wounded self. This is what will happen as you develop your loving Adult self through learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process.

You may have heard of creative visualization from interviews with athletes who have used this powerful technique to win more gold medals and titles than perhaps any other single training method. By actually sensing, feeling and being in a perfect race or competition within their own heads, professional and amateur athletes are able to use these mental images to help them prepare for the actual race. What you may not realize is that the technique is essentially the very same as the Law of Attraction as popularised in the film and book, The Secret.

In 1984, Dr. Denis Waitley began using his idea for visualization with Olympic athletes. In his very popular 1986 book, The Psychology of Winning, Waitley outlined how to form and really use visualization as a tool for success. The athletes he coached were so effective in Olympic competition; his books became a de facto standard that even high school athletes have since tried his method.

Of course, really feeling and being in your chosen future demands you spend some time and make an effort to help get the picture solid in your mind, no matter what your goal is. This means not only knowing what you want, but also giving some thought as to how your best future will come about. That doesn’t mean you’ll know how it will happen, but even just actively imagining yourself achieving your success will help make it happen.

Because it’s often easier to envision objects, asking for physical manifestations of your intentions is often a good place to start. The Law of Attraction doesn’t differentiate between large and small requests, but human minds do. You’ll feel far more convinced of your own abilities to encourage good fortune to come your way when you start small.

What makes visualization actually useful are the little details. One needs to actually see and feel and essentially “be” in your own future. The more detailed your image of the future you desire is; the more likely you are to make it come true. This may involve visiting the objects you desire, or even cutting a picture of what you want out of a catalogue.

For instance, if you want a car, decide what car that is, right down to every detail. Then go test drive one. If you have no idea how you’ll be able to afford it, don’t think about it you don’t want to re-enforce any negative messages. Drive that car around, then go home, and clearly remember every little aspect of that test drive. Imagine yourself behind the wheel and how good it did and will feel. The more convincing the image, the more powerful it is.