We lose our love for those who want to control, suppress or use us when we believe that:
a. Others want to control me.
b. I must do what others want in order to have their love and be safe.
c. I am in danger if I do not do what others want.
d. I cannot love someone who does not do what I want and thus others will not love me if I do not do what they want.
e. I am the victim.
f. I will not be a good person if I say no.
g. I am weak and cannot protect myself.
h. I must protect my freedom from others – by not doing what they want or ask.
First of all it may not at all true that others are trying to control or suppress us. This could be a subjective projection from our past, causing us to misinterpret their motives. They may simply be living their lives and seeking to satisfy their needs. They may not want to suppress us, and might feel quite surprised if we told them we believed that they wanted to.
Often we create our own feelings of suppression because of our inability to express our own needs and feelings. In such cases the others have no idea of what we are feeling, because we do not let them know. In such cases, the problem can be easily solved by effective communication in which we explain what we would like to do and not like to do.
Some may actually want us to do something we prefer not to do, because they want to help us, they believe it will be good for us. Their ultimate motive is to help us.
Even when others do want to control us, they cannot force us to do anything we do not want to do, unless we need something from them. We must need their approval, love, money or our job, or perhaps even our life, if that is in their hands. So ultimately we bargain our freedom for what we need from them. We can be free, only when we are secure enough within ourselves to do what we really want regardless of the consequences. In such cases, our lesson might be to develop the inner strength to do what we really want with love, and with no fear or negative feelings towards the other.
In other cases, we may need to learn to let go of our needs and comply with the others’ wishes. with love and without feelings of sacrifice. Our lesson may be to let go of the fear of being controlled and offer in love what the others need from us.
We fear losing the other’s love more so when we ourselves are unable to love them when they do not do what we want from them. If we are unable to love others when they say “no, then we cannot imagine that they will love us if we do not comply with their wishes.
We can love those who seek to suppress us when we understand that:
a. We are being given this situation as an opportunity for growth.
b. No one can suppress us, unless we need something from them.
c. Our lesson might be to learn to refuse with love.
d. We are safe and lovable even when we chose not to do what the others want.
e. We may need to learn to do what the others need with love.
From the forthcoming book “Love is The Choice”
by Robert Elias Najemy